


Desperation Eve

by SaraJaye



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas Eve, Crying, F/F, Hugs, Implied Past Abuse, Implied Past Incest, Loneliness, Post-Series, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 02:17:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13870992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye
Summary: She's escaped her old life, but Anthy is more convinced than ever that she was not meant to be happy.





	Desperation Eve

**Author's Note:**

  * For [veleda_k](https://archiveofourown.org/users/veleda_k/gifts).



Her first Christmas away from Ohtori Academy should have been the very reason to celebrate. She was _free,_ no more Rose Bride, no more Akio, no more of the traditions that called upon her to suffer so that others could pretend to feel better about their own miserable lives. She was free to live _her_ life as _she_ pleased now.

But when she walked through the streets with all the bright lights and happy couples and familes singing carols, the scent of peppermint and pine hanging heavy in the air, strangers shouting cheerful greetings into the void, she couldn't help but feel resentful. Happiness same so _easily_ to the masses, but no matter how hard Anthy tried to smile and let the spirit of the season soak into her, the worse she felt.

_Even now, so far away from everything that bound me, I'm still doomed to misery. I can barely keep up with classes at my new school, I can't seem to make friends. Everyone looks at me with pity, like they **know** I've been a victim. And worse yet...I **still** haven't found her_

Utena was the only one who ever tried to understand her, even if her most honest efforts came too late. They still counted for more than the false declarations of protection and words of worship from the others who tried to claim her for their own. But she'd left, without a single clue as to where one might find her, and every search turned up empty and more hopeless than the last.

_Christmas isn't worth celebrating alone, and it certainly isn't worth celebrating without her._ Instead she would do the homework her teachers had assigned over break, and order Chinese takeout. No tree, no presents, no feast. What was the point of such things when she had nobody to share them with?

Tonight was Christmas Eve, and while everyone else was going to church and visiting loved ones, Anthy sat at her desk reading the assigned chapter of her history book and taking the most thorough notes she could. Akio had kept her ignorant, refused to let her touch a single homework assignment, and even now she could still hear him whispering _it's okay, you're just not academically inclined, you weren't meant to use your brains_ over her shoulder. She was sure her teachers felt the same way anytime she missed an answer, or failed a surprise quiz.

_You weren't meant to use your brains, to have friends, to be an ordinary girl, to be happy. You'll never find her, what makes you think she even **wants** to be found? You're just a reminder of how badly things ended for her at the academy._

The sword in her hand, the sight of Utena collapsed on the ground in pain, the sound of her screams as the swords pierced her body.

_You don't deserve her._

When she'd first left, she'd fantasized about celebrating a real Christmas with Utena. Decorating a tree, sipping hot chocolate by the fire, singing carols, exchanging presents. _But such fantasies are too good for the likes of you. You're a miserable, pathetic girl, the only thing that's changed is that you don't have him to run your life and make sure you don't mess it up._

The last thought chilled her to the bone and she slammed her book shut, burying her face in her hands.

_Hopeless. Miserable. I left him because I didn't want to be, but even now...!_

She hurried to the window, drew the shade, looked out at the lights and the trees and the people. _I want to be as happy as they are! I want to feel I deserve it, I don't want to sink into the pit of despair again! How can I change? How can I learn to hope? If someone's listening, please...please, give me a sign!_

Of course nothing answered her. No ghosts appeared to show her the past or the future, or angels to show a world in which Anthy Himemiya never existed. But, she noticed just before she turned away from the window, the street lamps seemed to glow a little brighter for a split second. _Just my imagination,_ she thought as she closed the shades and changed into her nightgown.

Her dreams that night were vague, tinted pink with the scent of gingerbread.

 

The next morning, she awoke to a white Christmas and a strange sense she couldn't quite place. The despair and frustration from last night had abated, but something still seemed _off._ Her little apartment smelled faintly of toast and fresh coffee, while the low hum of a Bing Crosby song filled her ears as she rolled out of bed and dressed. Chu-Chu, who usually slept late, was wide awake and practically dragged her to the kitchen as much as someone his size could.

"Good morning, Anthy."

She nearly fainted. Was she still asleep, possibly dreaming? Had she snapped under the weight of her loneliness, and this was a hallucination? No, Utena Tenjou was walking towards her, taking her hand, leading her to the table.

"You..."

"I just got here last night," Utena said. "I heard you were living here now, and I wanted to see you. It looks like I got here just in time." And Anthy burst into tears, the spill of them on her cheeks hot and surprising and Utena gasped, whipping off her apron and hugging her. "Anthy! What's-"

"I've looked everywhere," Anthy wept. "I never found you, I thought I never would, adjusting to this world has been so...I thought I didn't _deserve_ it, after all that happened, I thought I'd be spending Christmas all alone and miserable!" Everything poured out, much to her embarrassment, but Utena held her closer and let her cry, stroking her hair until Anthy was able to calm down and look up at her.

"I thought I'd be spending Christmas alone, too. But here I am...here _we are._ " Utena smiled. "Christmas miracles _do_ exist."

"Yes." Anthy nestled closer, breathing in Utena's familiar scent. Be it a mere coincidence, a true miracle, or someone up there hearing her desperate pleas last night, Utena was _here_ and this was _real_ and suddenly, anything seemed possible. She could make friends, improve her grades, find a true path in life. Forget all about her brother.

_Miracles exist. This is real._

"Merry Christmas, Anthy." Never before had those words sounded so beautiful.


End file.
